Happy Birthday and Kitchen Sinks

Ella has officially been in our lives for 2 months!  She is also the undiluted princess of our household!  The Boys call her princess and are at her beckon call every time she even squeaks. And they fret when she has that you-had-better-do-something-now cry. It really is so sweet. Daddy also melted the first time she did that social smile and coo thing babies do. I thought he said he would buy her a pony.... And, of course, she is a little diva, always dressed to the nines. I love putting her in cute outfits and she always has to have a bow, whether it be little or ridiculously huge!

Little Miss at 6 Weeks

I have also been fighting the lingering depression and anxiety that has plagued my life for years now. I am supposed to be on medication, but with anxiety I worry about it-all the "what-ifs"-the unknowns of taking a medicine. I was also finally offered a diuretic to help with the vertigo, but cannot bring myself to take it. Damn those medication inserts they give you at the pharmacy!
So, I am struggling on what to do. Take these pills that could make my life colorful and happy, and potentially less angry, to continue to suffer. Logically, I know what the answer is-it is easy. However, it is the what-ifs that plague my thoughts and send me into panic attacks. I just wish my head wasn't my enemy right now.
I tried to explain the way I feel to Jim and others, which is hard, because he doesn't understand. But this is how I put it: Depression and anxiety, the twins, make me HATE myself. They are like hating an enemy, someone who has done harm to you. They make me feel worthless as a human and as though my existence is pointless. And they are not something I can easily undo. I have TRIED, but just thinking happy is not enough any more. I need help or I will NOT survive.
I have found some comforting scriptures and quotes on Pinterest and other places that I try to write down in my journal and look at every once in a while. The things that I think helps me from doing harm to myself is my beautiful kids! I have to be here to get them through their lives. But I want to enjoy it and right now I am not. So, pills, doctors and support is what I need.
And one thing that I have decided will help me just get through a day at a time is the kitchen sink. Huh?  Well, I hate more than anything is the disaster of my house. It no longer feels like a home. But rather than get overwhelmed and fall to pieces, which I have done for a year now, I have decided to take baby steps and start with one goal: the kitchen sink.
I am going to make a concerted effort, every day, to have a clear sink. So if that means I have to do dishes more than twice, I guess that is what I will do. NOT fun goal, but maybe it will help me in some weird way. Something to look forward to. Wish me luck!
Oh, and since Ella is not my only baby, here are a few of my BOYS:

Beating the 100 Degree Heat with the Slip 'n Slide

So grown up

Smiling Blue Eyes

Happy Ginger Kid

See, how can I not want to be around them forever?
Until next time!  Enjoy the 4th of July and whatever happy event that is in your future!