Not about them, but about being positive. I have needed a way to vent and I know it seems weird to put it up on the Internet for all to see, but maybe it helps me feel less alone. Like someone out there will read it and say, "I am right there with you, Sister! I get it. Hold on, you will find your way." At least that is what I hope. I can't imagine a world full of perfect people-it would be creepy.
Along with depression, I have also been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. I have always been high strung-anxious and worried. My friends from way back can attest to me being called a "worry-wart." But, with the vertigo, it has exacerbated the problem. In fact, I had an attack that sent me to the ER, again. I literally thought I was dying. It was so scary and unsettling. The world felt as though it were pressing me and I couldn't get out from under it. Needless to say, after several hours, I was released and have been trying to manage this. It is hard and some days it is near impossible. But, the good thing is that I have been forced to see how I can change my outlook on the world, and most importantly, myself.
My therapist (LOVE HER) and I were talking about these occurrences and we found a passage in a book called, You can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay, and it said that vertigo can be the body telling a person to slow down and take time for himself. That was so powerful for me, because I cannot remember the last time I did just that! At least before Jack was born, I am sure. I know people may say, "Now wait. didn't you do this and didn't you do that?" Sure, of course I did, but those things were always about something or someone else! Not just me living in the moment for me!
Now I know being a wife and a mother means making sacrifices, but it doesn't mean ignoring myself and my needs! I need a break. I need to be alone at times. I need a massage! So, I hope that in the next few months, I can do that. Even for just a few minutes at a time. I also know that this will involve learning to deal with and manage those stressors that trigger my anxiety and depression. I hope, but know with help, that I can do this, here is a list:
1. The House: the state of it really makes me go off the deep end! I may have to do a post just about this, but the short story is that it is a disaster. And I have come to terms with the fact that I can NOT fix it by myself, nor can Jim. I have hired a professional organizer to come in and help. I hope that she will bring tools and strategies to our home and us to create the home that we want. I want to want to be here. I want to look forward to coming HOME after a long day. After several visits with her and seeing that she is nationally certified, along with many recommendations of other clients, I am finally pumped that maybe this will work and I can enjoy my life at home!
2. My Masters: in reality, I am almost finished. My last class begins on August 4, 2011 and ends at the end of September (Actually, I will have a three week class after my Practicum, but I am NOT worried about it.). So, if I can put my nose to the grindstone and NOT procrastinate, which I have done with this summer class, but have kept a 97% (I will NEVER tell my students this-EVER), I will be done. I can hardly wait-so excited.
3. My Self Worth: I have spent too many years of my life not feeling great about who I am. I am trying hard to change the conversations that I have with myself to be happier and healthier. Now being that it has been almost 34 years of negative and disgusting talk, this will take some time to heal. But I WILL get there-with the grace of GOD and the loving support of those who care about me.
So, for now, that is what I have going or whatever. Believe me, my list could cover volumes, but for now these are the most important to me. So, if you pray, please include me in them. It may be weird to ask that, but maybe God will support me.
OH, and here is a gratuitous shot of those who originally inspired my blog! Enjoy!
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| July 4, 2011 Mayhem at the park! |
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