Down Came the Rain

OK-so I know the original intention of this blog was to be positive and brag about my cuties, but today I don't want to! Not that they haven't been great or done and said the cute things only 5 year olds, 2 year olds, and 6 month olds do, but because I hate how I have been feeling. I should rename my blog, "Life with Post-Partum Depression."
I am not a happy person in my life right now. I yell and scream at my kids for no reason! They are little boys and are noisy and make annoying sounds and do annoying things, but I can't stand it. They don't want to ever go outside and play or help with chores. We even have chores charts for them and rewards that go with them, but they don't care. I have given up trying to be consistent because I get railroaded and undermined. I have NO power as a disciplinarian and so the only things that seems to get a response is yelling! I hate how I feel when I do that, and I especially hate what it does to them. They are so precious, and don't deserve that. But what else can I do? Some days I even wish that I didn't have them.
I hate my house-I can't keep it clean and I feel like whenever I truly try to pick up and put things away, I get distracted or no one helps me keep it that way, so why bother? It's embarrassing and it makes me sooo angry. I need to organize everything and clean things out and throw things away, but it is all so overwhelming that I get frustrated and quit. I know Jim is frustrated with me because of this. He tells me that he feels like he does everything, but he won't help me. When I pick up our room, what do I pick up? His Crap!
I also feel so terribly alone. I don't have friends. Yes, I have people that I talk to and enjoy talking to and my colleagues are wonderful (however, I am quite a bit older than any of them), but No one that I feel I could call up and get help from or to get away from it all. I have a neighbor directly across the way and I would love to be her friend. She is cute and seems to have it all together! She has 3 kids herself and I think, "How does SHE do it and I can't hardly get out of my PJ's most days?!"
I admit that I am not the most approachable person. I can seem to be stand offish, and I don't mean to be I just don't know how to go up and say, "Hey, I would like to be your friend. What do you think?"
I cry over NOTHING! Stupid commercials, the way someone says something to me, or even looks at me, the state of my house, anything. I wish I had wishes to solve this!
I would wish for the following:
1. a professional organizer to help get my house together.
2. a friend to help me through this.
3. a date night with my husband.
4. a way to control my temper so that I don't yell at my kids.
5. a way to feel normal and cheerful and positive!
And, yes, my doctors are aware of this and taking care of me, I just wish IT would go away sooner. And, yes, Jim, gets it and he does what he can for me-he is a SAINT really, but I think he gets overwhelmed with my ever-changing emotions.
And I know it will pass, but today I hate myself and what IT does to me. Hopefully, tomorrow I will feel better and get out of my PJ's!